KEEP CALM AND MARRY ON
Three days to go before I get married for the third time. I know “you must be mad” I hear you cry! This time I know it will be good. I know this man better than I know my own children!
I am surprisingly calm – or so I thought. Everything’s bought and paid for, the cars are organised, I have my frock, the buffet is booked as is the entertainment and I have two pairs of shoes, just in case and everything in the garden is rosy. Until I go to sleep that is.
Now sleep for me, is a loose term to describe what happens to a menopausal 53 year old, who is overweight (or under-tall depending on your way of looking at things), when she turns in for the night. As I have blogged before about my menopausal madness I won’t bore you with the detail, you can search for related posts. It is not really sleep in the true sense of the word though.
While I am seemingly calm, my sub-conscious is wreaking havoc with my sleep patterns and I keep waking frequently thinking I have missed the wedding because I have not booked the cars, or I can’t find my dress or the latest because I fell asleep on the beach and woke up at 5.45 when I was supposed to be there at 4.00pm! All this in between flushes, chills and frequent trips to the loo…I have already got my luggage for the Funny-moon, the bags are under my eyes!
I have been awake at 04.00 for the past three nights and I counted the hours of sleep I have had in the last three days… 12 hours of broken sleep this is not good and my memory is now shot to pieces? Who am I? Who am I marrying? What honeymoon?
I have to work up until Thursday and I have Friday off, one day before the wedding for last minute running around. I’m sure it will all be ok on the day but I just wish I could sleep so that I look half human on the photographs…keep calm and carry on….Granny!
SOGGY-BOGGY a poem for children who love the weather
In the land of Soggy-Boggy
Where the soggy boys are born
Lived a soggy boy called Yoggi
And his soggy dog called Bjorn
When it rained in Soggy-Boggy
All the people rushed outside
For they loved the rain in Soggy
And with tears of joy they cried
One day when it was foggy
In a heavy shower of rain
Young Yoggi and his doggy
Went out walking in the rain
In the streets of Soggy-Boggy
Where the puddles quickly spread
They ate their soggy picnic
Made of soggy jam and bread
Onward into Boggy Wood
The soggy boy and dog did roam
They sploshed around in mud
Till they were wet enough for home
So back to Soggy-Boggy
Went the soggy boy and dog
Leaving trails on mud behind them
From the paddling in the bog
They reached the soggy cottage
Where the soggy boy was born
And Yoggi and his doggy
Let out a Soggy-Boggy yawn
They drank their soggy cocoa
And they dunked their soggy bread
Then Bjorn and soggy Yoggi
Made their soggy way to bed
They dreamt of mud and puddles
As they curled up snug and tight
They snoozed and snored contented
As they slept throughout the night
Granny – 2012
GREEN IS THE NEW BLACK
The sky is white like milk in contrast to the black spikes of the pine trees along the top of the hill. No sun, hardly any wind. The cold is hanging in the air, manifesting itself as white ghosts escaping from the mouths of children playing.
This landscape has changed dramatically since my childhood. Back then, all along the valley, huge heaps of slag topped almost every hillside. The air was sometimes thick with black dust, you could taste it, “black gold” my Dad would say…..
Coal, it was the blood in the veins that were the South Wales valleys. It sustained the people, took the breath from the lungs of the miners and every so often, caused tragic accidents that wiped out the menfolk of whole communities.
Nowadays the coal has gone and as I look around me, it is difficult to remember the coal buckets which crossed from the pit on one side of the valley to the tip on the other, where the bucket would drop its black waste 24 hours of every day.
The slag heaps have now taken on a green mantle of mosses and weeds; skinny trees are sprouting from the ground like cocktail sticks and birds are singing as they perch precariously on needle thin branches.In the valley the Ebbw River, which is actually little more than a brook in my part of the valley, now runs clean and babbles its way down the valley to eventually join the Usk River and further on, flowing into the Severn Estuary. When I was a child it often ran black as the slurry pools overflowed in the rain and spewed into the river. There were never any fish then.
Recently, Otters have been spotted and children are often found fishing on its banks or paddling in the shallows. The quality of air in the valleys bears no comparison to the air when I was a child and hopefully we have seen the last of the mines which scarred the valleys and caused so many men to suffer chest problems, locally referred to as “the dust” (pneumoconiosis).
When I was eight years old my Grandad said “one day these valleys will be green again”….Grandad was right, pity the dust killed him before he could see it …..Granny
POST CHRISTMAS REFLECTION
As we are coming up to twelfth night…….I thought I’d reflect on the last couple of weeks and share my thoughts with you all…sing along if you feel the urge!
On the 1st day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Some baubles and an artificial tree
On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love sent to me
2 Value Crackers with Some baubles and an artificial tree
On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love sent to me
3 stuffed birds
2 Value Crackers, Some baubles and an artificial tree
On the 4th day of Christmas my true love sent to me
4 hot flushes
3 stuffed birds
2 Value Crackers and Some baubles and an artificial tree
On the 5th day of Christmas my true love sent to me
5 Noisy Kids (grandchildren)
4 hot flushes
3 stuffed birds
2 Value Crackers and Some baubles and an artificial tree
On the 6th day of Christmas my true love sent to me
6 loads of washing
5 Noisy Kids (grandchildren)
4 hot flushes
3 stuffed birds
2 Value Crackers and Some baubles and an artificial tree
On the 7th day of Christmas my true love sent to me
7 poopers partying
6 loads of washing
5 Noisy Kids (grandchildren)
4 hot flushes
3 birds stuffed
2 Value Crackers and Some baubles and an artificial tree
On the 8th day of Christmas my true love sent to me
8 KY Jellies
7 poopers partying
6 loads of washing
5 Noisy Kids (grandchildren)
4 hot flushes
3 birds stuffed
2 Value Crackers and Some baubles and an artificial tree
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me
9 Turkeys Gobbling
8 KY Jellies
7 poopers partying
6 loads of washing
5 Noisy Kids (grandchildren)
4 hot flushes
3 birds stuffed
2 Value Crackers and Some baubles and an artificial tree
On the 10th day of Christmas my true love sent to me
10 Pies a mincing
9 Turkeys Gobbling
8 KY Jellies
7 poopers partying
6 loads of washing
5 Noisy Kids (grandchildren)
4 hot flushes
3 birds stuffed
2 Value Crackers and Some baubles and an artificial tree
On the 11th day of Christmas my true love sent to me
11 Laptops surfing
10 Pies a mincing
9 Turkeys Gobbling
8 KY Jellies
7 poopers partying
6 loads of washing
5 Noisy Kids (grandchildren)
4 hot flushes
3 birds stuffed
2 Value Crackers and Some baubles and an artificial tree
On the 12th day of Christmas my true love sent to me
12 empty bottles
11 Laptops surfing
10 Pies a mincing
9 Turkeys Gobbling
8 KY Jellies
7 poopers partying
6 loads of washing
5 Noisy Kids (grandchildren)
4 hot flushes
3 birds stuffed
2 Value Crackers and Some baubles and an artificial tree
Christmas…a time of love and peace……not in my house! Mayhem all the way, I am knackered and I wouldn’t have it any other way!!! Happy New Year! ….Granny 
Over the Hill……I’m not even half way up!
I remember it well, Sunday night listening to the chart show on the radio, Mam combing lumps out of my long red hair looking for nits. Eating the left-overs from Sunday lunch for supper and watching my Dad making his sandwiches for the early shift down the pit. They looked old to me then, even though they were both not yet 30! My Dad unfortunately died at the age of 52, so he never actually got to be old…my Mother is now 74 years young and apart from some aches and pains she is doing well and still looks pretty good for a wrinkly! The drudgery that caused premature old age is now thankfully long gone for most of us.
So what should we do with the extra time we now apparently have because we are all living longer? Should we calm down and relax into our dotage, do a bit of knitting maybe or join a senior citizens group and go to tea dances, (perish the thought)? Or should we plan for more exciting times when we finally finish work at 67 or there about?
When I got to 40, which is where life is supposed to begin, I decided that I was going to do something each year that I had always wanted to do…the first thing was to get a tattoo. So I did, I’m not sure that my children approved but if they didn’t, they never said it out loud. I started dying my hair all manner of colours and I still do. At the moment it is copper with, blonde, orange and purple bits and I have no intention to ever go back to boring blonde highlights. This though, is where my intended brave new world stopped and now my friends, it needs a kick start again.
Working on the ‘life begins at 40 theory’ I am now 13, so really I should be an antagonistic, spot squeezing grumpy teenager. I should be playing on any one of my electronic gadgets, texting constantly even when it’s not allowed (e.g. in lessons), lying in bed until 3pm at weekends and giving my parents ‘lip’ about anything and everything. Oh and getting drunk in the park after persuading some adult to get me some booze from the local supermarket.
By the time I reach 60, I should be acting like a 20 year old. So I think I will book myself a club 18-30 holiday, start drinking shots after every glass of wine, dress in a pelmet, vest top and 6 inch heels in the middle of winter and vomit on a pavement, after leaving the Pub and missing my taxi home.
Following this, I will get myself arrested for flashing my boobs to every Policeman in the vicinity. I would then put the pictures on Facebook and have my so-called friends (some of which I won’t even know) embarrass me by tagging me in their pictures with my tongue down the throat of the bouncer (sound familiar)?
After thinking long and hard about the growing old thing, I have decided I would not want to be a teenager or a 20 year old again but as for being over the hill…I’m not even half way up. There is so much more I want to do, so pass my iPad, I must log in to Twitter find out what’s going down in the world. I will then text my friends and update my Facebook profile…there’s life in the old dog yet. I could be the next born again Screenager! …………………Granny
IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT…..tell the world!
The feel good factor is a wonderful thing but how do we put ourselves in the position where we are in the feel good zone for the majority of the time?
Positive thinking is a powerful tool and acquiring a mental attitude that admits into the mind good thoughts, words and images can be conducive to happiness and success. A positive mind breeds joy, health and an ability to find the good in almost every bad situation.
Not everyone believes in positive thinking. Some say it is nonsense, and laugh at people who believe and accept it. I for one know that when I surround myself with positive thinking people it has an uplifting effect on me and can definitely affect my mood and that in turn has a knock on effect with others around me. I will do all I can to bring people to my way of thinking.
There are three kinds of people in the world, the wills, the will not’s and the can not’s. The first accomplish everything; the second oppose everything; the third fail in everything.”Eclectic Magazine (Author Unknown)
We should all try harder to look for the lessons in every situation. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself when things don’t go your way, do what you can to make the best of it. You can learn to avoid making the same mistakes and by doing so, be the better for it.
I am fortunate that my personality seems to automatically go for the positive and I am definitely a glass half full person. I am also drawn to positive people and negative people don’t really exist in my world in any big way. I am also lucky that I work with motivated, inspirational people for the most-part and although my job is challenging, sometimes difficult the positives certainly outweigh the negatives.
All in all I think the majority of people are mostly happy go lucky but some people are just happy being miserable…..now there’s a contradiction ……Granny
SWEATY BETTY RIDES AGAIN!
Sweaty Betty here again, after another night of sweating and shivering, I am back at my desk (right now its coffee time). Coffee…now there’s a thing, the dilemma is to drink it or not to drink it?
Due to lack of sleep doing my Karate Kid impression, (duvet on….duvet off…duvet on…..), I now resemble a 90 year old woman who has just come out of a coma…bloodshot eyes, the speed of a snail and as much work as a sick note in this frazzled body. So, caffeine should perk me up a bit, well you would think so…wouldn’t you?
So I drink 2 cups one after another, within 20 minutes and I eat a BLT roll for lunch. Within 3 minutes of the second cup I am sweating like a furnace, whilst shivering at the same time. My head is experiencing the ‘buzz’ of a 1,000 Bees and my mouth will not produce anything coherent. I have heartburn from the bread, a raging thirst from the salty bacon and I am sneezing from the copious amounts of pepper under the lettuce.
According to the BBC website, I should eat more soya milk and soya flour, linseeds, tofu, pumpkins seeds, sesame seeds, sunflower seeds. Stop eating foods that are likely to trigger or worsen hot flushes and night sweats. For instance, avoid stimulants such as tea, coffee, alcohol and chocolate, especially at night – they’re notorious for setting off hot flushes. Oh yeah, so I feel like shit, I look like shit and now I have to live on water and bloody bird seed! When will it all end? Symptoms listed in various place read like a recipe for suicidal tendencies! See extensive list below
Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling
Irregular heart beat
Irritability
Mood swings, sudden tears
Trouble sleeping through the night
Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles
Loss of libido
Dry vagina
Crashing fatigue
Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom
Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
Disturbing memory lapses
Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence
Itchy, crawly skin
Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons
Increased tension in muscles
Breast tenderness
Headache change: increase or decrease
Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
Sudden bouts of bloat
Depression
Exacerbation of existing conditions
Increase in allergies
Weight gain
Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
Changes in body odor
Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head
Tingling in the extremities
Gum problems, increased bleeding
Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odour
Osteoporosis (after several years)
Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier
Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, ‘whooshing,’ buzzing etc.
OMG is there any point in going on? Look here ladies, the only thing that keeps me sane at the moment, is the thought that there are plenty of other people in the cemetery that would love to be putting up with this and if I’m going to get all these symptoms anyway, pass me the wine bottle, give me chocolate and order me another cup of Espresso! ……Granny
Wednesday Whinge
What do people get out of being permanently miserable? Why do some people try really hard to make everyone else’s life miserable? Isn’t life hard enough without using all your excess energy to be a grumpy, sour faced, sad specimen of mankind? If you recognise yourself in this mini rant…..remember…you reap what you sow….end of rant …… Granny
WELCOME TO THE FAN CLUB
As readers of this blog will be aware, I am going through the madness that is menopause. “Nothing wrong with that, perfectly normal”, I hear you say. Well let me tell you right now…normal it is not! To give future sufferers the head up, I have devised a series of helpful hints that go something like this.
DAY TIME
Do not drink coffee or any other caffeine based beverage. If you do you will turn into an overheated, clammy, sweaty Betty. The affect makes you feel as though you were suffering from pneumonia as your temperature goes through the roof and your face, neck and even your ears go scarlet. This surge lasts for between 10 and 25 minutes and people think you are about to faint. Avoid caffeine like the plague.
I have taken, Evening Primrose, MenoPace®, Soy, Sage, Black Cohosh..you name it, I’ve swallowed it but to no avail. I have also tried avoiding coffee, tea,wine,spirits, curry, chilli and umpteen other foods and drinks. Still no end to the heat wave!
When dressing for work your will need. A sleeveless top, a top with sleeves, a waistcoat, a cardigan or jumper and a jacket or coat. These layers you must inter-change throughout the day to accommodate temperature fluctuations. Oh and don’t wear anything with a collar as this causes more temperature changes. You must take all of these items every day and I suggest you have spares for when the sweating gets out of hand.
Write things down, otherwise you will forget where you live, your name and as for PIN numbers…don’t even go there. I suggest you put them in your phone as telephone number. Don’t lose your phone; it has all your PIN numbers in it. Do save them to sim otherwise when you change your handset…you lose all your PIN numbers…yes PIN numbers are a problem to menopausal women as are passwords for all of the reasons stated previously.
When shopping, write a list otherwise you will get home with all the stuff you don’t need and forget all the stuff you do need, like salt…there is no substitute for salt and if I forget it once, I will forget it for weeks resulting in bland, tasteless food and complaints from the family.
Do not open your mouth to speak until you are completely confident that you have engaged your brain. Even your mouth gets menopausal moods and sometimes it does not work properly resulting word substitution. This is ok until you say ejaculate instead of evacuate, sex instead of text and cocking instead of cooking!
This list of issues is by no means exhaustive and if you have any other examples please let me know by commenting at the end of this blog so that I can watch out for them when inevitably they happen to me!
NIGHT TIME
This is where the ‘Fan Club’ in the title comes in. Before going to bed I take a tepid shower. I have used lavender oil to help me sleep (it doesn’t) and tried to stick to a routine. I joined the gym, I avoid eating heavy meals late at night but still the hours I spend ‘trying’ to sleep go like this.
I use cotton sheets; I wear cotton night clothes (or nothing at all depending on my temperature when I hit the sack).
I have my pillows at just the right height, too high causes a crick in your neck, too low and I can’t breathe. I don’t use a top sheet, I turn over so frequently that I end up wrapped up like a toffee within an hour. Lightweight duvet, with cotton covers (all natural fibres as the advice suggests). I take water to bed but I am convinced that even that sets me off!
I have an oscillating fan about 2 feet from the bed, which is left on all night, this results in keeping me cool for so long…then after I have sweated to inferno point, I get cold because I have now got a gale force wind pointing at my body and have to wrap myself up in the duvet for around 20 minutes or until the next flush starts.
This cycle goes on all night. Last night (hence why I am writing this) I made a mark on a piece of paper each time I had a flush, then a chill…total in 6 hours and 45 minutes, 23 times….and I wonder why I’m knackered all the time.
I am told that the menopause can last up to 10 years! FFS tell me it isn’t true! In another life I am definitely coming back as a man….I’m off now….flush number 13 for today imminent….Granny
Police Oracle- PSNI: Seven Officers Disciplined Over Fall 'Assumption' May 17, 2012
- 5.11 Tactical UK May 17, 2012
- Officer's Leg Crushed By Burglar's Car May 17, 2012
